


I Wake Up Alone

by John_Nygma



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ed is depressed, Ed is missing Oswald, Ed trying to cope, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Song Lyrics, Songfic, hallucination!Oswald, how the riddler got his name, s03e15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 08:29:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10783200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/John_Nygma/pseuds/John_Nygma
Summary: Ed may have shot Oswald but he cannot deny that he is missing the Penguin more than anything else. Somehow he is trying to get through the days without Oswald at his side, but it simply doesn't feel the same anymore. With drugs, hallucinations, regret and loneliness, Ed is trying to cope...





	I Wake Up Alone

**Author's Note:**

> After Oswald sang that wonderful Amy Winehouse song in the new episode I just had to write something! And after listening to the song a couple of time (it's so good!) I found it to be very fitting for Ed's feelings during that time. So I took the lyrics of that beautiful song and constructed a story around it because I think Ed feels a little more regret and sadness than he cares to admit...

_It's okay in the day_

_I'm staying busy_

Ed is closing up the buttons of his elegant white shirt. Slowly he slips into the waistcoat, letting its fabric slide over his arms. From the old wooden table he takes the leather gloves and moves them over his fingers one by one. Only when he grabs for the green jacket with a shaking hand he dares to take a deep breath. As if in ceremony he puts his arms into the jacket, adjusts it a few times too many and then finally turns around.

In front of him is the mirror which stands in the corner of his old bedroom. Well, it frequently still is his bedroom; here in the Cobblepot mansion. Even in the weeks he had been gone nothing had changed about this part of the house and none of his things had been thrown away so it seemed quite fitting to return here. It is all the same after all, more or less. Except for the silence.

_Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he?_

Ed is alone the entire day. He never has any visitors, nor does he go to see anyone or phone anyone. On his occasional trips downtown it all seems more like an aquarium to him. Everyone around him is silent, stupid fish so he does not even notice them thus he strolls through the streets aimlessly and all the more lonely. Sometimes he finds himself walking past city-hall as if his feet unconsciously always bring him back there. Then he thinks he can see a familiar figure limping out of the front doors and he hurries to turn away and get back to the house.

At the mansion he tries to distract himself either by reading the newspapers, reading or occupying himself with some new riddle or clever trap he had come up with. He would do almost anything that somehow kept his mind away from the obvious fact that the house is abandoned. That he is the only one here, that the flames in the fireplace are only a reminder to him alone. That the distant sound of steps and a cane walking down the hall is just an illusion.  

 

_Got so sick of crying_

_So just lately_

_When I catch myself, I do a one-eighty_

Even the fire cannot help to dry Ed’s tears during the evening when he sits on the couch. His glasses are lying on the ground, the jacket hangs around some chair and his tie is loose around the neck so he can breathe. He curses himself every time this happens, he hates his mind for not being able to shut itself off when he tells it to. It is usually so focused, so serious about everything else and then there are those moments when it just shuts down on him and shows him all the pictures, words and memories he does not ask for.

The visits back in the asylum, the presents, the framed certificates, the campaign, the night on this very couch when they embraced and Ed’s heart had skipped a beat. He could not think about those anymore. Those things are in the past, he had drowned them and now it was time someone new emerged from them. Ed knows he has to move on.

_I stay up, clean the house_

_At least I'm not drinking_

_Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking_

He would show everyone who Edward Nygma truly is. He would show Gotham, he would show the GCPD, he would show _him_. This house is his now, the power is his and very soon the city would be as well. Day and night he is working, scheming, searching, coming up with riddles. Out there in this great cesspool of fools has to be someone capable of understanding him. There could not only be ignorant idiots left out there now! He would find someone again.

_That silent sense of content_

_That everyone gets_

_Just disappears 'soon as the sun sets_

And still at night he would return to the mansion and feel just as empty and alone as before. Why would that feeling not go away? Why is it that when he comes back in the darkness of the night and locks himself into his bedroom, he is suddenly unable to look at himself in the mirror? He throws the green jacket and the waistcoat away from him, he does not deserve to wear them! He is not ready yet!

Could it be that he is not yet capable of doing this on his own? There is something, he could not quite name it, that he is overlooking, that he is missing out on. Something only someone who knows what Ed is looking for and knows about playing the game would be able to see and tell him.

_He's fierce in my dreams, seizing my guts_

_He floats me with dread_

Carefully Ed puts the box of pills back on the nightstand and lets his head sink into the pillow. The piercing taste runs down his tongue, a thrilling sensation wanders up his spine and into his mind. Ed closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Then he turns around.

Oswald is not dripping wet or wearing a messed-up suit, not when he is here. He is wearing his father’s black and golden dressing gown, his hair is styled perfectly up to the last strand and on his lips is that devilish and yet warming smile. With his head propped up on his hand he is lying only inches away from Ed while looking him over.

_Soaked in soul_

_He swims in my eyes by the bed_

They never do much talking when they are here and Ed appreciates that. They just enjoy each other’s presence while never speaking about what has happened since their last meeting or what strange plans Ed has been up to during the day. They would lie here, looking into each other’s eyes and take from them all the stories they need. Sometimes they smile at each other or have a quiet chuckle together; sometimes Ed just sits there crying his eyes out or having a breakdown and then Oswald is at his side just being there or listening to whatever Ed needs to get out.

_Pour myself over him_

_Moon spilling in_

Sometimes, Ed is never quite sure how or why it happens, they both exchange a knowing look and smile gently. And then Ed turns his back to Oswald and shuffles over to his side of the bed. He can feel the smaller man’s arms carefully moving around him and pulling him into a soft embrace. Ed closes his eyes and inhales Oswald’s pleasant smell as a kiss is planted on the back of his head. Slowly Ed raises his hand to touch Oswald’s and the other one does not protest. Smoothly Ed runs his fingers across his arms, he can feel both himself and Oswald shiver and even more so as he lowers his hand and brushes Oswald’s knee.

Oswald takes his arms back and Ed now turns to lie on his back. They still have not said a word but they do not have to. The white light of the moon surrounds Oswald’s soft lips and cheekbones as he gets up to tower directly over Ed. The dressing gown is half open and hangs down from one of Oswald’s shoulders. In those grey eyes lies a loving and yet hungry gaze and Ed welcomes every bit of those longing stares. He stretches out a hand to pull down the rest of the gown from Oswald’s shoulders. Ed’s fingers wander down his arm and then his chest and eventually Oswald takes them to intertwine their hands. Goose bumps are wandering down Ed’s spine as Oswald’s other hand gently cubs his cheek. Oswald is smiling, the moon’s light frames his red lips and then he finally bows down to Ed.     

_And I wake up alone_

Ed’s eyes fly open. He can still feel the goose bumps lingering on his skin but when he looks around he realises that the moon had long set and the light of the sun is coming into his bedroom. He turns around, his gaze wanders through the room but there is no one there and he is once more all alone. After looking at the damned box of pills still resting on the nightstand, Ed buries his head in the pillow and weeps.   

_If I was my heart_

_I'd rather be restless_

_The second I stop, the sleep catches up and I'm breathless_

There are two kinds of ways Ed thinks about sleep. Either he wishes he would never need it. That those nights would never end and he could just lie there with Oswald next to him while forgetting Gotham and the rest of the world out there. And then there is the endless sleep. That he would just swallow that damn drug, look into Oswald’s eyes and never ever awake from that sleep again. Let it just all be over. Let Jimbo and Harvey and the other GCPD fools deal with the idiocy of the city, let Barbara get herself killed trying to rule the underground world and let others get poisoned by the city that is Gotham and be driven into actions they would regret for the rest of their miserable lives. Why should Ed concern himself with any of them anymore?

_'Cause this ache in my chest_

_As my day is done now_

_The dark covers me, and I cannot run now_

Ed knew from the very first second. He does not deny it. How could he? The very moment he had pulled the trigger he knew that he would never be same after this. That he would not be able to leave that behind. He wanted to kill the old Nygma and be born anew, create someone new but he knows that he could not kill that part of him. The part that regrets what had happened, the part that reminds him painfully every single day that he had thrown away something- someone that was- is most dear to him.

_My blood running cold_

_I stand before him (before him, I)_

_It's all I can do to assure him (assure him)_

Ed is holding the hat in his hands so the rough wind is not blowing it away. It is a clear day and from the docks he can look to the other side of Gotham city. He is letting his gaze wander, first along the docks’ metal constructions then along the town’s skyline with its old grey buildings and eventually his eyes lose themselves in the waves to his feet.

Sometimes Ed thinks he can still see the red spot swimming atop the water surface and a dark silhouette sinking to the bottom of the sea. That broken, desperate look in those grey eyes is staring right back at him from the green of the water and Ed feels the sudden urge to make a step forward over the edge of the docks. He feels as if he needs to say something, as if he needs to apologise. He wants Oswald to know that he had not intended it to go this way, he wants to stand before him and tell him to forget about the past and start over. Go back to the time when Oswald visited him in Arkham and eventually got him out so they could work together. That moment back then on the couch in front of the fire; Ed wants that night to freeze and never pass.  

_When he comes to me_

_I drip for him tonight_

_Drowning in me, we bathe under blue light_

There are evenings in the mansion when Ed lights up the fireplace, switches on the record player and eventually takes one of the pills. And then there is Oswald in his finest suit and Ed in his green attire and they look at each other and just see themselves for who they truly are. Then Ed would talk to Oswald, tell him everything about his newest schemes and all the plans he has for Gotham and Oswald would listen and chuckle every time he saw Ed becoming excited. Ed has long forgotten to attempt to convince himself of not needing Oswald or not hallucinating him on purpose. Now he welcomes his friend coming around no matter when or how (sometimes it did not even need the drugs).

Occasionally they would have a tea by the fireplace and just talk or they would even dance to the music of the record player. Ed does not question himself then, he does not give a damn about what others or his own brain would try to tell him. Under the blue light of the moon he and Oswald would be moving together through the mansion and Ed would forget everything else beyond the walls and windows of the house.

_He's fierce in my dreams, seizing my guts_

_He floats me with dread_

Ed dreams of Oswald almost every night. If he can get any sleep at all that is. There are dreams from which he awakes smiling, wishing the images would linger just a moment longer. Then there are those from which he wakes up to see that he had thrown the sheets of the bed around and scratched himself bloody in frustration. And then there are the dreams that let him die every time he has them. The ones that scare him because they feel as if they are reality and Ed screams and runs to get away from them. He wants to see Oswald, but never like that.

_Soaked in soul_

_He swims in my eyes by the bed_

On the mornings the day after, when Ed is getting ready, Oswald would sometimes lie there on the bed in his dressing gown and watch him. Ed has told him not to several times and when he turned around to shout at Oswald he would be gone only to turn up beside the mirror the next second. Ed is reminiscent of their daily routine back then almost every day. Whenever he ties his tie Oswald laughs and remarks how its colour brings out Ed’s brown eyes and he strolls through the room as if he has made the best joke in the world. Ed wants to laugh too but he does not. He cannot.

He sits back down on the bed before he leaves the room and, even though he had taken one only a couple of minutes ago, he swallows another pill. Just so it would feel all the more real when Oswald is suddenly behind him on the bed and putting his hands on Ed’s shoulder so that Ed could feel them all by himself before he leaves the bedroom to go back into the real world.  

_Pour myself over him_

_Moon spilling in_

 

Often Ed catches himself wishing and even thinking that Oswald is still alive. That the man in front of him is not just a hallucination but the Penguin in the flesh. When he has those desperate lonely nights and then sees Oswald lying beside him and eventually kneeling above him in a loose dressing gown and when he eventually moves down to meet his face, Ed wishes- longs for more than anything for the night to continue and not break away from him. For Oswald to stay with him, for everything to be back to normalcy again when everything was fine. Ed so desperately wants to open his eyes one morning and not think

 

_And I wake up alone_

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out to be more sad than I originally wanted it to be... I hope you guys liked it anyway ^^' Likes, shares and comments are of course always welcome!


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